Tag Archives: Humor

Keep Your Distance!

I am not an especially clutzy person.  I have my moments of clumsiness, but overall, I am not too bad.  But this week….this week I can only be described as a walking catastrophe.

On Friday night I went to stay the night with my friend Courtney.  We had a great night of junk food, movies, and Gilmore Girls.  The change in my luck didn’t start until the wee hours of the morning.  In the middle of the night I got up to go to the bathroom.  I had been trying out this adorable eye mask that Courtney made for me, so when I got up I pushed it up on my head so I could navigate the unfamiliar bedroom.  I was walking back to the bed and just about to get in as I reached up to put the eye mask over my face, when my arm and my face slammed into the eave that was on my side of the bed.

I cried out and stumbled into the bed.  Courtney was instantly awake and her slumbering dogs were now at my side ensuring I was ok.  I rubbed my face as I laughed at my clumsiness.  I had said earlier in the night that those eaves were going to be treacherous in the night…how right I was.

My next moment of misfortune happened only hours later.  We had slept in, but eventually we made a plan for the day.  We were headed to the base for some shopping and Taco Bell deliciousness.  I had just finished getting ready and was headed down stairs when my foot caught the edge of the top stair.  My feet flew out from underneath me and my bum and back slammed into the staircase.  I was holding the railing which only made me flip sideways as I crashed down the stairs.  Not only did my holding the railing turn me around, but it meant that all the muscles on my left side were jerked and twisted as I tumbled down.  I lost my grip as the pain tore down my arm and my side, and I hit my head on the stairs.  I felt like I was in a car accident and it was all happening in slow motion.  Eventually I tumbled into the wall and lay in a jumbled heap.  I have never in all my life fallen down an entire flight of stairs.

My body felt like someone had taken a bat to it.  My neck, back, tailbone, shoulders, ribs, and arms were all sore.  As the day wore on I only got more and more sore, and by the time I made it home to Ben I was practically immobile.  Ben took wonderful care of me, cooking and providing me with lots of pillows.  The only exception to his wonderful nursing skills was when he momentarily forgot about my pain and slapped my butt as I walked to the kitchen.  I nearly cried.  He kept apologizing and saying, “I didn’t mean to, it was out of habit!”  He looked so cute I couldn’t help but forgive him.

The next few days were very painful, but with the help of a pillow at work and lots of Tylenol, I made it through the day.  I left the office today and carefully made my way to the bus stop.  It was pretty icy out, so I watched every step I took.  When the bus finally arrived, I had to step in a big clump of snow to get on.  Not good.  I paid the bus driver for my ticket and was trying to zip my wallet when he started to pull away.  I quickly grabbed for a handle but not before the ice on the bottom of my shoes sent me sailing down the center aisle of the bus.  I crashed into the seats and my wallet tumbled out of my hand as change and receipts flew threw the air.  Quarters, pennies, nickels, pound coins, fifty pence, ten pence, and two pence coins rained down on the first three rows of seats.

All the clatter caused the bus driver to slam on his brakes which only made me slip again and as I reached for a rail I tumbled into a seat which was thankfully vacant.  He shouted out and asked if everything was ok.  Oh yeah, great, thanks pal.  I said yes, but could have slapped the man for not just waiting 10 seconds for me to sit down before he hit the gas.  After barely waiting for my response he was off again.  The ladies in the seats around me all bent down and started grabbing coins and handing them back to me.  From two rows away, one lady loudly called out, “well aren’t we rich.”  She apparently was the one picking up the 50 pennies.

I gathered all my coins, thanked the women who helped, and then tried to sink into my seat so that no one could see my face that was blazing red with embarrassment.  As I walked home, I couldn’t help but fear every slippery surface, every uneven stone, and every wobbly bike rider.  When I saw our house, I smiled and sighed heavily.  I made it home, and at the rate I am going, that seems something to be thankful for!


Late Night Escapades

I am a late night person.  I don’t feel truly awake until about 7pm and then I am full on energy.  Early on in our marriage this was the cause of most of me and Ben’s arguments.  I wanted to stay up late doing well, anything, and Ben wanted to go to bed at a reasonable hour.  Ben has always catered a bit to me on this, but eventually as I have gotten older (sad but true) and had to wake up for work every day, I see the need for sleep.  I no longer can run on 4 hours of sleep, or at least not well.  I have finally become a real adult and enjoy going to bed before the wee hours of the morning.

I hate forcing myself to go to bed but it must be done.  I had done just this last Tuesday and after my mind raced for a long while, I eventually drifted off to sleep.  I was then abruptly woken up around midnight when shouts and peels of laughter came seeping through our walls.  Our neighbors were apparently having a mid-week party outside in the back garden next door.  I could hear every word they said, hear every shout of exclamation, hear every out-of-pitch tune they sung, and every bottle of beer that was opened. It was like they were sitting on the edge of our bed.

I grumbled to Ben about how ridiculous this was as it was Tuesday evening, but there wasn’t much we could do.  I assumed they would only be our there while they smoked cigarettes as it was raining, but that wasn’t the case.  They stood out there a good 20-30 minutes.  Finally after flipping to and fro angrily in my bed I got up and went to the bathroom where I could spy on them without them seeing me (as our bedroom looks directly over the garden).  I could hear them even louder in the bathroom.  I decided I was going to send a message.  I sneakily lifted our blinds and opened the window.  I then slammed it as hard as I possibly could.  There was a hush of voices as the sound echoed through the air.  I nearly broke the glass panes, but it was quiet.  I smirked to myself as I walked back to our bedroom but I had no sooner sat on the bed, when all the voices started back up.  I was beyond irritated.

I got back into bed and tried to calm myself down.  I closed my eyes and tried to think of anything other than the ruckus outside.  After some period of time, I turned to Ben and pleaded  with him to call the porters.  I couldn’t handle this.  He sleepily got out of bed and dialed the number only to find there was no porter about.  Naturally.  I shoved my pillow and blankets about like the noise intruders could see what they were doing to me.  Of course, this only irritated Ben I am sure.  I flipped on my stomach and pulled my pillow tightly over my head.  The noise was barely subdued.  I tried to fall asleep, but it was to no avail.  Ten minutes later I had had it.  I could think of nothing else but how every minute of sleep was slipping away.  I was not having that.

I threw back the covers, tossed my pillow on the floor (a tantrum which only Ben could see of course) and stormed across our bedroom.  I crossed our living room to the front door and jerked it open as fast as I could.  All the lights in the hallway flicked on as I marched down stairs in my pajamas.  I didn’t care how I looked or the fact that it was raining outside.  I quickly made it to the bottom of the stairs where I threw the door open to the back garden and let the door slam against the wall.  That got their attention.  I then yelled into the night, “I AM SORRY, BUT DO YOU THINK YOU COULD PLEASE KEEP IT DOWN AS THERE ARE PEOPLE TRYING TO SLEEP?!!!  YOU HAVE NOW WOKEN MY ENTIRE FAMILY UP TWICE (they don’t need to know that only includes me and Ben) AND I WOULD REALLY APPRECIATE IT IF YOU BE QUIET!!!!”  It is amazing how easy it is to yell at people on the other side of a wall!  As soon as I had finished my rant, the apologies were lobbed over the wall and I felt empowered.  I had put an end to it.  I forcefully shut the door and went back up to my flat.

The group quietly headed indoors and I felt quite content as I snuggled into bed beside Ben.  He was elated that I had acted so drastically and couldn’t stop laughing at me standing in the rain in my pjs yelling over the wall.  I had acted completely crazy, but it felt good!  I don’t plan to have any repeats, but it was nice to know I could get a little worked up if I need to.  The lesson here, don’t go messing with my sleep.  If I can’t be up late, nobody can.  At least not on weekdays.

Up Close and Personal

I have fed large animals out of the palm of my hand and seen prowling cats just a few feet away, but all of this was with large fences and glass enclosures separating us.  Though the experience is fun and admittedly cheaper, it can’t compare to the uniqueness of a safari.  I like animals just fine, but I am not what you would call an animal lover. So you can imagine how surprised I was at how much I loved a day spent just driving around looking at animals.  I have never experienced anything like it.

We hadn’t planned on going on a safari while we were in Zambia, but everyone there was adamant that this was not to be missed.  And really, how could we pass that up?  We crossed the border of Zambia and entered Botswana where we headed to Chobe National Park.  We were only able to do a day safari, but it was one of the most memorable parts of our trip.

We did a river safari in the morning and a game drive in the afternoon.  Never in my life have I seen so many animals.  The river especially, was teeming with life.  We saw crocodiles, hippos, water buffalo, warthogs, huge iguanas (which we mistaked for a snake swimming next to our boat and Ben nearly jumped out of his seat!), antelope, elephants and so much more.  Both of us thought that you would spend most of the time driving around and occasionally see animals, but we would barely go two or three minutes and there would be another group of animals.  It was astonishing.

The river safari was Ben’s favorite, but mine was without a doubt the game drive.  We saw hundreds and hundreds of monkeys and I have to say that they were probably some of the cutest animals I have ever seen.  I could have fit some of them in the palm of my hand.  It seemed that around every turn there were fifty more monkeys and to my surprise 20-30 elephants.  The elephants were my favorite part.  We saw well over 200 and it was just incredible.  We saw little baby elephants lying in the road and huge male elephants that towered above our jeep.

At one point we turned a corner and the jeep came to an abrupt stop.  The road was blocked by elephants and to our right there was a massive female elephant.  She kept inching closer until she was only an arm’s length away.  I am normally a pretty fearful person, but I had to resist the urge to reach out and touch her trunk.  She got so close that the Japanese man behind me actually cried out!  He scooted across the seat until he was practically sitting on the lap of the girl sitting next to him.  Ben and I along with the girl got a pretty good laugh at that.

The day was filled with the most amazing discoveries.  Seeing God’s creation literally EVERYWHERE was incredible.  I don’t know quite how to explain it, but it just left you speechless.  Up close like that you just see how everything works together.  The elephants, giraffes, monkeys, antelope, and warthogs all stick together and watch out for each other.   It was like watching the live production of Lion King…well, minus the lions!  The shere number of animals we saw was amazing, but we didn’t see any cats which was a bit disappointing.  I guess that just gives us an excuse to go on another one!  Seriously though, this was one of the most memorable days of my life.  I am now completely addicted to safaris.  So who is going to be joining me and Ben on our next one?!!

Embarrassing Moment #9 Spring Cleaning Mishap

My department at work has been restructured over the last two months and because of this, there were a lot of changes that needed to take place.  The biggest change was that we were moving desks, getting rid of old filing cabinets, getting new filing cabinets, and moving our payroll department into the adjacent office.  With all moving, cleaning, and clearing out, we decided to have a dress down day where we shut the office to get ourselves organised.  I love organising things, so I am always eager for these kind of days.  And then there is the reality that I just love any excuse to wear jeans to work!

I woke up that morning and felt especially excited about the day.  I get to wear jeans and my favorite OU t-shirt.  I was rumaging in my closet when I found that my favorite pair of jeans were clean.  I have had these jeans for years so I took a good look at them debating on whether I wanted to clean in them or not.  These were my favorite jeans but they were also my oldest which made them the best candidate for cleaning.  The only problem was a small little tear near the crotch.  I took a good long look at it and couldn’t decide if it was worth the risk.  I showed them to Ben who said, “It is only one day, they’ll be fine.”  So with that vote of confidence I put them on and headed to work.

We had a great morning.  We got the majority of the moving done by around 10:30 and even though Ben had said I would be fine, I found myself being cautious when I was bending down.  For those of you who know me, you will completely understand why I felt especially cautious.   We had finished all the big stuff and were now just moving small boxes.  It was then that I made my fatal mistake.  I bent down to pick up a heavier box and in order to use my legs instead of my back (as they always tell you to do), I pushed my knees out a bit like a frog and that was all it took. I heard the rip and suddenly I felt a woosh of cold air hit my inner thigh.  I looked up with panicked eyes to my colleague who had heard the same thing. She quickly made sure none of the guys came over to our side of the room.  I needed to assess the damage before I tried going anywhere, so I bent down and looked between my legs to find a three inch tear all along the seam of my favorite jeans.   Oh man!  Thankfully it was on the inside of my leg and wasn’t really that obvious to anyone who didn’t know it was there.  Still, I needed to change pants.

I grabbed my sweatshirt and wrapped it around my waist and sat on the floor and organised folders until lunch.  We were going to order lunch and thankfully the pizza place is near my flat, so I just had my colleague drop me off so I could quickly change pants.  I walked in the house to find Ben making lunch and he looked at me quizically as I dashed into our bedroom.  He came in and asked what I was doing home and it was then that I tossed my jeans at him for him to see how his advice had worked out.  This of course sent him into a fit of laughter and made me question if he had really thought I would make it a whole day in my pants, or if he was just hoping this exact scenario would occur!  As funny as the moment was (for everyone else), I found myself a little sad.  My favorite jeans had just died.  Right along with my dignity.  So much for my professionalism. 🙂

Going Postal

The last few months have been absolutely crazy for me.  My days are filled with ever-fluctuating, crazy work situations, and my nights and weekends are filled with May Ball hoopla.  And I do mean hoopla.  It is because of this crazy schedule that we decided we needed a relaxing and fun-filled weekend.  My American friend Courtney, who I met at work invited Ben and me to stay with her this weekend at her house in Ely and do a bit of shopping.  You are probably asking why Ben decided to go along with this…well that is because the shopping was taking place on the American military base.  Oh baby.

We had a fun Friday night, but Saturday was the real highlight.  We headed to base before noon and made our first stop, the post office.  Normally this would be a pretty mundane and tiresome errand, but I was overjoyed.  I couldn’t stop staring at everyone.  They all looked so American.  There were tons of hoodies and baseball hats, running gear, and boot cut jeans.  I felt so at home.  It wasn’t only the people, but it was the actual place.  I loved being surrounded by all the American postal supplies.  Yes, you heard me right.  All the blue tape with white eagles on it, stamps of American presidents, and large signs that said “US Postal Service” just made me smile.  To Ben’s embarrassment, I actually starting giggling I was so excited.

After our trip to the post office, we headed South of the border.  Oh yes.  Taco Bell.  Sigh.  I could have ordered everything on the menu, but Ben, being the logical man he is, reminded me that I should start small and then order more if I was still hungry.  Smart man.  So I sat down with my chicken quesadilla, cinnamon twists, and huge Dr. Pepper and all the cares of the last few months just melted away.  There was one point when I was telling Courtney how good it was, and I actually started to tear up.  Of course my food was tasty, but it was more than that, it reminded me of home.  Who would have thought Taco Bell could elicit such a response?

After I savoured every last bite (I literally took twice as long as Courtney and Ben), we headed to the commissary.  We were like children in a candy store.  We walked down every single aisle and gazed admiringly at nearly every label.  We methodically went through our list and made sure we didn’t miss anything.  We filled our cart with barbecue sauce, Velveeta shells and cheese, Frosted Mini Wheats, chocolate chips, chocolate frosting, Hamburger Helper, Bush’s Baked Beans,CORNBREAD MIX, CANNED GREEN CHILLIES!!!, and the list goes on.  We were in heaven.  I bought cherry chapstick, Pantene Pro-V, and York peppermint patties for my friend Hannah as they are her favorite…unfortunately, two out of three didn’t make the journey home.  🙂

It was such a great day.  Not only did we get loads of amazing food, but we saved a whole lot of money!  Some of the things we bought we could get here in England, but for a pretty penny.  It was amazing to see just how much cheaper it was to buy American products with American prices.  To top the day off, we had a little Baskin Robbin.  Bless my soul it was good.  I couldn’t have asked for a more relaxing and fun weekend.  I was surrounded by friendly American faces, pocket-book friendly prices, and waist friendly food…ok, maybe not that last bit, but that is ok by me.  I think my feelings today can be best summed up by saying, God bless America and the kind military folks who let me go crazy this weekend.  Courtney, that includes you!! xox

My Unexpected Christmas Trip

I am getting to go on the trip of a lifetime.  I have been invited to a destination that is by invitation only and I am assured that language will not be an issue.  The food is terrific, the shopping endless, and the people are unbelievably friendly.  You don’t know how excited I am.  In the near future I will be jumping in a car with a new friend of mine and we will be crossing the highly secure border of the American military base!!  Wahoo!!!!

I was elated to receive an invitation to the commissary on base where I was told I could wander aisle after tasty aisle.  I imagine myself drifting from shelf to shelf, tears in my eyes as I look at the various kinds of chocolate chips I can buy; milk chocolate, semi-sweet, dark chocolate, peanut butter, white chocolate, oh the options are limitless!!  The cereals, the SODA, THE HOT DOGS!!!!!  I can’t believe my good fortune.

My invitation also included a stop that is worthy of a dramatic pause.  So, wait for it.  Just a bit longer.  Almost there.  I am so excited I am almost giddy.  Friends, I am heading south of the border and gonna get me some Taco Bell!!  It has been over a year, and instead of dreaming of a white Christmas, I am dreaming of chicken quesadillas, cinnamon twists and endless refills on soda!  Ah, I can smell it now.

This is one of those opportunities that you don’t want to keep to yourself, so Ben will be coming along of course, but I thought I would also invite one of my British friends who has never eaten at Taco Bell.  That is a crying shame.  This amazing trip just came about today so in my excitement about American food, my British friend (who shall remain nameless) turned to me and said, “so what is all this I hear about Taco Bell?  What is it?”  I nearly choked.  Someone doesn’t know what Taco Bell is?  Yo quiero Taco Bell?  Think outside the bun?  Nothing?  I explained that it was a fast food restaurant that specializes in Mexican food and obviously tacos.  She then asked, “what is a taco?”  The sound of a record coming to an abrupt halt occurred.  I burst out laughing but quickly noticed she wasn’t laughing at all.  I looked over at my American friend and she asked “you aren’t serious are you?”  Oh yes, yes she was.  How could this be?

So, as any good American would do, I am going to introduce my lovely British friend to the world of tacos.  And what better place to do this than Taco Bell?!  Mind you, I know the quality isn’t really well, good, but hey, you can’t be picky over here.  And I have to say, I have yet to find a quesadilla I love more.  Not only will she get to experience the joys of taco bliss, but she will get to see the beauty of an American grocery store.  The order, the fully stocked shelves, the options, it is truly a beauty to behold.  What a wonderful, unexpected Christmas present.

Girls Night In

What do you do when your husband is out-of-town, you miss him like crazy, and you still have four days to go?  Yep, you guessed it, you have a good old-fashioned slumber party!  I couldn’t bear the idea of spending my entire weekend alone so I made sure to kick it off the best way I know how.  Girlfriends, chocolate, music, and movies.  Oh and did I mention chocolate?  I invited a few girls over from our church and I have to say, we had the most amazing night.  Well at least I did!

The girls started showing up right about the time the pizza arrived so things definitely got started off on the right foot.  Over dinner we got down to business and started talking about the three things that inevitably always come up, boys, God, and makeovers.  I don’t know why, but those are just essentials in successful sleepovers.  After we polished most of the pizza, it became clear that dancing was the next stage of the evening.  I had created a bit of dance mix so we pushed back the tables, couches and chairs and started shakin it.  You should have seen our moves.  We looked awesome.  Oh, and did I mention our amazing outfits?  I think the general ensemble was a mixture of Christmas bottoms, flannel pajama sets, and of course a snowflake onesie.  I am sure the neighbors loved the show.

After watching a lot of one-hit-wonders from back in the day on YouTube, things started to settle down a bit.  Naturally we had to take a chocolate break so that lead to another great time of girltalk.  You can never have too much of that if you ask me.  It was then that we decided it was time to select a film for the night.  Shockingly, one of our slumberers (is that even a word?) hadn’t seen Beauty and the Beast.  It therefore became a unanimous decision that this would be the film we watched.  It was the right choice.  We all quoted and sang, laughed and cried.  Well, ok we didn’t cry, but we did cringe at how unattractive the actual prince is at the end of the movie.  Not exactly a looker, but I guess the point of the movie is to look beyond what meets the eye, so I guess it’s ok.

At this point it is was 4:30 in the morning, we had eaten an appalling amount of chocolate and pizza and we were all starting to feel a bit on the sleepy side.  Though we weren’t overly tired, we thought it would be best to probably get at least a few hours of sleep.  We slowly got ready for bed and of course made an insanely huge bed in the middle of the living room which consisted of a mattress, a mattress pad and lots of blankets and sleeping bags.  It was truly a proper sleepover.  I had such a great time, and I just have to thank each of the girls for such a wonderful night.  This was the highlight of my week and I am really thankful for each of you.  I apologize again for pressuring you into flossing.  But really, don’t forget to floss.