Contentment is an area of my life where I really struggle. This time in our lives has been very unique in that we don’t have any of our belongings here except our clothes. I have grown to be a lot more content with what I have, but there are others areas of discontentment that have snuck up on me. The things I long for now are not so much material but relational and experiential.
I long for the closeness of our families. I miss my friends from home. I have missed everyone these last two years, but what I am experiencing now is an acute sense of sadness at the distance between us. I find that it consumes my mind sometimes. It isn’t so much that I am ready to go home because I love it here in Cambridge. I want to soak up this time we have here and enjoy it for all its worth. At this moment in time I am not looking to get home earlier than planned. But that doesn’t keep me from wishing I could just get on a flight tomorrow and spend a few weeks with our families and friends. I long for home and all that comes with that.
I could never describe our time here as anything but an incredible opportunity, but even the most amazing of experiences have downsides. As with anything new, there is a honeymoon phase and our time in Cambridge was no different. I was absolutely enchanted with the city and the English way of life. Everything just felt so quaint. Even now there are days that I walk down the street and find myself smiling as I look at all the beautiful architecture and cobblestone streets. It feels like a dream come true.
I love the city, but I find that occasionally certain things will hit me like, the fact that I really want to drive a car. And it isn’t enough to drive here. I don’t want to endanger my life or the countless others that would inevitably be casualties of my desire to be behind the wheel. I want to be on the right side of the road on the left side of the car cruising down the interstate at 75 miles an hour. I want to be able to just get in a car and drive to Wal-Mart (yes, I honestly fantasize about this!) and not have to walk 20 minutes bundled in just the right amount of clothing so that I don’t sweat or freeze.
It is strange, because a lot of people ask me how I feel about not being able to have kids yet, and though I can’t wait to have babies, I find that I am content in this area. We have been trying to start a family for over two years and as much as I really long to be a mother and start that next phase of our lives, I don’t feel the need to obsess about it. In reality, I don’t have a lot of control over when this happens! For some crazy reason, I am content to wait on God for this. This has been the first time in my life I have experienced contentment despite not being where I want to be. It seems so bizarre to me. How is it that I can be content to not be able to have children, even though this is my one of my greatest ambitions, and yet I am so discontent about going home for a few weeks?
I know it may seem crazy to miss home so much, but I guess it was inevitable that I would get homesick at some point in this whole adventure.